Aggravating, beautiful, annoying, sparkling, frustrating, terrifyingly smart, argumentative, bright, hard-headed, quick-witted......
She made me sick as a dog during pregnancy.....doubled me over in pain with her kicks......came out running and screaming and hasn't stopped since!
Her intellect scares me....my heart bleeds for her social awkwardness....
She has a soft heart, and quick mind, a ticklish body, a freckled nose, and feet that can almost share my shoes. Strawberry blond hair, green eyes, lithesome body, and sparkling spirit.
She fills my heart with delight, and ages me daily with her antics.....
Mom says she's my punishment for being me. Gee thanks, Mom.
I say she's a miracle.
Thanks, God.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
It boggles the mind.
They change as quickly as light sparkling through a crystal in the sunshine. One moment so funny it's hard to drive as they cut up in the back seat, the next squabbling over something so ridiculous it makes you want to rip your hair out.
Talking until your ears bleed....moving until cement child sculpture sounds like a reasonable activity.....then so still and angelic in sleep that you creep ever closer to see their chest rise a millimetre under their pajamas.....
Joy, frustration, love, anger, tears of angst and joy...sometimes both at the same time. Never before has any human being pushed as many of your buttons in such a complete and random pattern.
And yet....you would without a second's hesitation lay down your life. It boggles the mind....and yet. Someone feels this way about me. He willingly gave Himself up...to be tortured, beaten, and publicly humiliated. For me. It boggles the mind.
Talking until your ears bleed....moving until cement child sculpture sounds like a reasonable activity.....then so still and angelic in sleep that you creep ever closer to see their chest rise a millimetre under their pajamas.....
Joy, frustration, love, anger, tears of angst and joy...sometimes both at the same time. Never before has any human being pushed as many of your buttons in such a complete and random pattern.
And yet....you would without a second's hesitation lay down your life. It boggles the mind....and yet. Someone feels this way about me. He willingly gave Himself up...to be tortured, beaten, and publicly humiliated. For me. It boggles the mind.
Summer from Hell....
When we had James 12 years ago, the reality of CP slammed into our lives, and the first 18 months became a blur of hospitals, nightmares, tears, and worry. I actually have few memories of that time, b/c of the stress levels I was living at.
My cousin Suzy had given me a journal as part of his baby gift, and I'm so thankful...looking back on those pages is an eye-opener into a time that is basically blank in my mind.
We went through weeks and months of heartbreak, worry, and stress again, on and off, the last few years as James' needs began to slowly outstrip my ability to care full-time for him, care for myself, and keep two beautiful girls balanced and happy too. Homeshare was the answer to prayer, and God handily whapped me upside the head with the knowledge of the right placement for our fun-loving, giggle-making, beautiful son.
Tina and her home was the answer to pray....a very, VERY (thank you, Lord) obvious answer.
Fast forward 9 blissful months of happy boy, happy family, and slowly regained health and sleep levels for Mom......the phone call that began our decent to Hell on earth.
An anonymous phone call had been placed to CAS.....Tina's new boyfriend, met at church, had a "past".....James has been removed from the home.....
Restless nights, as Tina dug in her under-dog-loving heals at the government demand to dump the boyfriend to return to being James' caregiver. We had no idea what the "past" was, due to privacy laws, but it was plain by CAS' reaction that this was no small issue.
To forgive????? What is the true meaning of forgiveness? Was it even something that needed to be done? Sleepless night followed sleepless night....
Until- the court's verdict, opening the sealed records for our knowledge. Sick. It was all I could do to know throw up as our case manager told me what he had done to his two year old niece.
Decision made. Hands down. Period. God gave us James for a reason, and I will NOT set him up as an experiment for a stranger's rehabilitation.
Revelation. It was not my place to forgive. He had not sinned against me. I don't even know the man.
Realization. An answered prayer may only be the right answer "for a season". Doesn't make it any less right in the past, but time changes everything.
And so the search begins for answer #2...a new home for my amazing boy.....meanwhile, he is safe and secure in a temporary home until his new one is found. A loving woman has chosen to put a helpless boy first. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My cousin Suzy had given me a journal as part of his baby gift, and I'm so thankful...looking back on those pages is an eye-opener into a time that is basically blank in my mind.
We went through weeks and months of heartbreak, worry, and stress again, on and off, the last few years as James' needs began to slowly outstrip my ability to care full-time for him, care for myself, and keep two beautiful girls balanced and happy too. Homeshare was the answer to prayer, and God handily whapped me upside the head with the knowledge of the right placement for our fun-loving, giggle-making, beautiful son.
Tina and her home was the answer to pray....a very, VERY (thank you, Lord) obvious answer.
Fast forward 9 blissful months of happy boy, happy family, and slowly regained health and sleep levels for Mom......the phone call that began our decent to Hell on earth.
An anonymous phone call had been placed to CAS.....Tina's new boyfriend, met at church, had a "past".....James has been removed from the home.....
Restless nights, as Tina dug in her under-dog-loving heals at the government demand to dump the boyfriend to return to being James' caregiver. We had no idea what the "past" was, due to privacy laws, but it was plain by CAS' reaction that this was no small issue.
To forgive????? What is the true meaning of forgiveness? Was it even something that needed to be done? Sleepless night followed sleepless night....
Until- the court's verdict, opening the sealed records for our knowledge. Sick. It was all I could do to know throw up as our case manager told me what he had done to his two year old niece.
Decision made. Hands down. Period. God gave us James for a reason, and I will NOT set him up as an experiment for a stranger's rehabilitation.
Revelation. It was not my place to forgive. He had not sinned against me. I don't even know the man.
Realization. An answered prayer may only be the right answer "for a season". Doesn't make it any less right in the past, but time changes everything.
And so the search begins for answer #2...a new home for my amazing boy.....meanwhile, he is safe and secure in a temporary home until his new one is found. A loving woman has chosen to put a helpless boy first. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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